As has become tradition, I begin this week’s The Buccaneers recap with a rant.

I’m hanging on by a thread, resisting the urge to quit — mostly because it’s clear now that The Buccaneers is just a flashy title with borrowed character names, chosen by Apple TV+ to claim they’d adapted a work by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author. In truth, the original novel was never finished by Edith Wharton, and it’s far from a literary classic. Despite being labeled as a kind of Bridgerton, this series is really just Gossip Girl in the 19th century.

The confirmation came when we learned that Nan Saint George’s birth mother is none other than Leighton Meester, aka Blair Waldorf herself — a completely fabricated twist for the show, but one that somehow made everything make more sense… and simultaneously lose all value.

The Buccaneers is clearly not made for my demographic, so I detach emotionally and watch it as pure melodrama — which still demands energy. Thankfully, this is the penultimate episode.

All Rise takes place a few weeks after the tragedy, where Lord Seadown, James, shoots his own brother, Richard, who was trying to help the equally unbearable Jinny escape. Conchita, as ever, is stuck in manic happiness, playing with her daughter and ignoring everyone who’s still mourning. She refuses to cry, deal with her mother-in-law, or even look at Jinny. To her, the best way to honor her late husband is to stay upbeat and move forward with their child.

This emotional stalemate stretches through most of the episode, repeating conflicts — until a memorial ceremony at Richard’s school, where Conchita finally loses it. She speaks from the heart, remembering the qualities of the man she deeply loved — stolen from her far too soon. The audience is moved, especially Jinny, who tries once again to reach out. But now, it’s time for the Saint George sisters to hear some truth bombs.

Conchita holds nothing back. She tells Jinny what we’ve all been thinking: Richard’s death is her fault — not because she fled an abusive husband, but because she always did whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, ignoring everyone’s warnings. That recklessness led her straight into Seadown’s trap, forcing Richard to save her — and die in the process. That made Conchita a widow and her child fatherless. No excuse can erase that pain. Did Jinny take this to heart? Nah. The Saint Georges enter and exit scenes leave chaos in their wake. But eventually, Conchita and Jinny make peace — as sisters-in-law, they’re stuck with each other.

Across the ocean, Patricia Saint George is divorcing her husband, a womanizer, and her daughter — now the Duchess of Tintagel — is making headlines. Nan has figured out that her “aunt” Nelle, whom she’s just met, is actually her birth mother. She offers multiple opportunities for the truth to come out, but Nelle remains silent. She’s married and pregnant, which only deepens Nan’s bitterness.

The divorce trial is a circus of humiliation for Patti, who must prove her husband’s continuous adultery. Though the truth is obvious, it’s getting harder every day. Nan testifies, claiming to be the illegitimate daughter of Colonel Tracy Saint George, but since she doesn’t know who her mother is, her words are turned against her. It’s suggested that Patti lied, and that Nan doesn’t even know who her father is. Nothing could be more degrading. And the Colonel, instead of defending her, simply says nothing can be proven. Nan, of course, storms out dramatically — her trademark move. Outside, who’s in New York waiting to support her? Yes, Guy is back.

To the sound of Lover by Taylor Swift, they recreate their first meeting and wander the city freely, lost in each other. Back home, Nan confronts Nelle, who admits she’s her mother but says she won’t testify. Nan, true to form, unleashes judgment and accusations — and Nelle, thank goodness, channels her inner Conchita and fires back: Nan doesn’t know suffering, humiliation, or loss — not even the pain of giving up a child for a better life. Spoiled, arrogant, and aggressive, Nan needs to grow up before thinking she can talk to her like that.

As with Jinny, Nan absorbs nothing. But Nelle, out of compassion for Patti, speaks to her husband and decides to testify. The women of Saint Clair show some sisterhood, Patti wins the divorce, and the disgusting Colonel is removed from the story. One less awful man!

Back in England, Hector is still heartbroken after being jilted at the altar by Lizzy, and he’s starting to realize something is going on between her and Theo. The Dowager Duchess of Tintagel (mother of Theo) is openly living with Hector’s father and unable to speak with her son, who remains hurt by her betrayal. They eventually reunite. Theo accuses her of destroying his happiness: if Nan had married Guy, he’d be heartbroken, but at least free. Now that he’s in love with Lizzy, and she with him, no one is allowed to be happy.

As for Nan, the hits just keep coming. She discovers that Lizzy is her husband’s mistress — but shrugs it off since she’s with Guy. That lasts all of ten seconds: Guy then introduces her to Paloma, his wife. That’s right — he’s married. Take that, Nan!

Next week, this saga comes to a close at a ball, where the synopsis teases more secrets and heartbreak for Nan. Honestly, can someone just buy Nan a one-way ticket to hell already?