If God exists, two of the shows I’ve been hate-watching won’t be renewed. One is a fact (And Just Like That), but the other’s fate is still unknown. The absurd melodrama The Buccaneers has become goes far beyond offensive to Edith Wharton—whom they still claim as the source of this garbage, rather than admitting the truth: she’s still credited as the author of the “adapted” novel for Apple TV Plus. In reality, this is original content with names borrowed from a book.

No surprise, we find Nan — ALWAYS RUNNING AND STORMING OUT OF WHATEVER ROOM SHE ENTERS — in a constant state of flight. Or not. The episode opens with Guy chasing her on horseback along the beach: she’s outraged that he married someone else, completely ignoring the fact that she let him go and told him to move on with his life.

At Tintagel, she also storms in and out of rooms, lashing out at Theo for falling in love with Lizzy — as if he were some irresponsible, womanizing adulterer, not the man she deceived, married just for the title, and has shown zero interest in. She says she’ll blackmail him to get what she wants: he must break up with Lizzy and keep Nan at Tintagel, or she’ll expose the affair and ruin her friend’s reputation.

At first, Theo is confused, since the arrangement was to keep up appearances until Jinny’s situation was resolved. Now that it is, Nan was supposed to go to New York as agreed, and he would try to be happy with Lizzy. When Nan refuses, he explodes and says all the truths she needed to hear — adding that she not only humiliated him but destroyed his life by marrying for the title and now wants to take the castle from him, the only thing that still matters to him. Theo is devastated, and Nan cries — whether because she finally realizes she’s useless, or simply because she no longer has either Guy or Theo.

Confused, like the rest of us, Theo tries to find a way out. Meanwhile, Lizzy — who received her lost earring back along with a note from Nan calling her a traitor — goes to apologize. Of course, to speak with Nan, people have to run after her because she won’t stay still. Lizzy also gives her a moral lecture, and Nan, once again, gets slapped in the face with how unbearable, unstable, selfish, and toxic she’s been with everyone. But she’s the Duchess and she’ll get what she wants. And Lizzy is left in despair.

Before anyone can breathe, all the London papers publish the gossip, so the couple assumes Nan was the one who outed them. Theo turns to his mother for help in dealing with the mess she created, and Nan confesses to Patti what’s really going on: she’s pregnant and doesn’t want to be separated from her baby.

Her mother asks the question on everyone’s mind: after everything, is she seriously planning to force her child with Guy to be raised as Theo’s? Nan explains that the baby is Theo’s — since she’s four months along, it would have been conceived during their honeymoon, back when they were still getting along. Uh-huh. She wants us to forget that Guy got a head start on that honeymoon before Theo, but we’ll save that plot point in case this trainwreck gets another season. The drama now is that Nan “needs” to stay married for the sake of her baby. At Patti’s suggestion, she decides she’ll announce the pregnancy at the ball so no one can separate and no gossip is needed. Too bad for Theo.

In reality, the one who leaked the news to the press wasn’t Nan, but Hector, who figured out Lizzy was having an affair with Theo. He believes — correctly — that with her reputation at stake, Lizzy will be forced to marry him. For some reason, that’s exactly what he wants.

On Guy’s side, he barely notices how much Paloma likes him. She says she had to come find him because, now that they’re married, only her husband can manage her business in Italy. So they need to annul the marriage with his signature. Guy, forever running after Nan (the eternal runaway bride), can’t get a word in.

At the ball, when Nan is about to make her announcement, Theo beats her to it: he gives a speech revealing that their marriage was always a sham, that he loves someone else and wants to be happy and get married — and is renouncing his title. If he is not a Duke, then Nan is no longer a Duchess, and she can go straight to hell. Well, I wish he had completed the sentence, but he may as well have said it. Naturally, she runs out of the ball.

Lizzy chases after her friend to apologize once more, and Nan doesn’t disappoint: she tells Lizzy she’s pregnant with Theo’s child — but that Lizzy must not tell him, because if he finds out, the baby will be taken away from her to inherit the Tintagel title. “Good luck keeping the secret and being happy with Theo,” Nan says. What a b…! Is that supposed to be sisterhood? Is this the heroine of this mess?

The season ends with everyone screaming, “Nan! Nan!” — while she’s miles away, on the beach, running. Hopefully far away from our lives. Left unresolved: Lizzy keeping from Theo the secret that he’s supposedly the baby’s father; Guy and Paloma still married while he tries to chase after Nan; and the revelation that Theo has a long-lost evil brother, who is now the new Duke of Tintagel.

Apple TV Plus: end this garbage already! The Buccaneers manage to top True Detective Season 2 (the worst thing on TV last decade) — and that was hard to beat! Is it really over? I’m lighting a candle for Edith Wharton because her ghost must be bouncing off the walls of her grave.